The scariest thing English footballers will face this year is a hooligan hacker model bot, armed with laxatives and a chained balalaika-playing bear at her knee. At least that’s what you’d think after reading the British press.
British tabloids have been busy preparing her majesty’s subjects for a trip to scary, dangerous Russia for the World Cup this summer. After all, Russia pretty much stole the championship from England, so it is certain to do anything to hurt the English even more. The latest weapon of choice in Putin’s sinister arsenal is gorgeous women, lining up for the visiting team.
That’s what Express.co.uk learned from Professor Anthony Glees, director of the University of Buckingham's Centre for Security and Intelligence. They shared the revelation with the public in a piece titled “Russia World Cup: Kremlin SEX THREAT to England players.”
“I know England don’t have much hope [of winning the World Cup] but if there's some way to scupper England's chances even more, through food poisoning, or honey traps with leading players and gorgeous Russian girls, they will do it,” he told the tabloid.
“I'm not hysterical about this, I accept none of this is a done deal, and I know some people are less averse to risk than I am. But I'm saying they could do it, these are the sort of things that could happen.”
Hear that, Harry Kane? When that dancing girl makes Eyes at you, be sure she doesn’t work for the KGB. She’ll lure you to her boudoir and do THINGS to you!
English players and fans were previously warned by the media about many other dangers. Russian hackers could break into their phones and steal all their secrets. Brutal hooligans, who passed the secret initiation rite of Maslenitsa, may be waiting in dark alleys. And, of course, Team Russia will be blond athletic carbon copies of Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV.
Be afraid, be very afraid.
Or keep calm and come to Russia. Whichever you think makes more sense.
Alexandre Antonov, Eyes On Events